hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
