Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
