he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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