Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Randomize
