i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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