you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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