you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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