I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
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