I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
