I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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