remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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