there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Randomize
