Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Randomize
