So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
