In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
