I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
