so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
