I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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