they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
