Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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