i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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