I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
