I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
What a fucking waste of an outfit
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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