two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Randomize
