i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
