Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize