How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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