I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
It's blow job season.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
