my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
