apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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