just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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