I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Randomize
