I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
