I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
