Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
