I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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