I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Randomize
