Your tits are I can't wait for
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
