whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
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