Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
