the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Randomize