She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
