I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Randomize
