I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
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