Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize