Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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