If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Randomize
