if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
