if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize