You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
