Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
