I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
