I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
