you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
