Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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