Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
