My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
