if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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