He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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